I am just so heartbroken.
Without I even realized it, the feeling diminish each day. 
Until finally, it's already gone.

I don't care anymore.

had a conversation with a friend about our age. 
I'm turning 22 this year.
kalau sihat tubuh badan, xde accident or anything, iA confirm hidup sampai umur 50 tahun. 
dah almost halfway through dah O.O
alhamdulillah, dah lama jugak hidup 21 tahun lebih nih. 

I keep having these questions in my head lately:

1. what have I done so far?
2. if I die today, do I have any regrets?
3. have I done everything I've always wanted to do?
4. yang paling penting: cukup x bekalan?
5. sempat kawin ke idok ntah aku ni? HAHA

T.T

tetiba nak update.

imagine this:
you bumped into me. sekali imbas, mestilah org tgk ape aku pakai kan.
I'm wearing t-shirt vandy selekeh dpt free, jeans, kasut onitsuka, tudung pasar lambak, michael kors bag, dlm tangan ade handphone sony erricsson slide tu.
what would you think?

but personally, I don't really care what people think about my appearance. HAHA
kalau tak, takde lah aku selamba selekeh hari2, ke mana sahaja aku pergi. 
ye idok?

kadang2 terpikir, kenape laaa aku beli bnde2 mahal nih? haih.
and the answer is of course: nafsu. HAHA =.="
tapi bile pikir balik, kat sini jer la merasa nak pakai bnde2 mahal nih. 
kalau kt mesia, mmg tak merasa la aku nk pakai coach kee, hape keee
kat sini mahal jugak, tp x rasa sangat. I mean, keluarkan RM1000 or $300, sama jer nilai. tp 300 tu selamba jer lg keluarkn sbb nilai dia lg kecik. haha

kadang2 tu teringin jugak nak bergaya.
pakai lawa2 sket, make up sket. peplum lah, ape lah style baju skrang tuh.
pastu pikir, kalau nk pakai lawa2 camtu, kene la kurus dulu.
dgn badan aku skrang, nampak cam sarung cempedak jer nanti.
too much effort. so I gave up without even trying. HAHA

balik mesia kang I'll give it another shot. kat umah ade treadmill dah. xde alasan dh x bersenam. *berangan

on a side note, aku still lg rasa cool sbb pernah rasa almost nak pass out semalam. HAHA
seyes cool weehh. split second jer bdn rasa panas, mata jd kabur and gelap, dgr buzzing and x dgr sngt bunyi sekeliling. pastu split second pulok, semua tu hilang, aku siap boleh lari. amazing weh human body ni sebenarnye.

and paling cool dpt merasa org ckp "stay with me" dgn dramaticnye kat aku macam kt dlm tv. lolol

"I don't even care if you're found dead on the side of the road. I just can't stand it if the people that cares about you, be sad, cry and mourn for you. They don't deserve it."

dah tiba masa untuk emo!
jyeeaahhh
or maybe, xde la emo sangat. just rasa nk membebel sorg2

these thoughts that I have lately, have been on my mind since earlier this year.
I've no idea why.

I've been thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now.
I'm really thankful to be raised by my parents.
I know everything that I need to know, enough so I can make the right judgement. 

how lucky I am to be growing up in an environment that won't influence me in doing any bad stuff like smoking.
heck, I even lived in Felda where people have stereotyped that budak Felda can be pretty 'bad'. 
I went to ordinary-everyday-school.
Both elementary and high school.
and I turned up to be pretty well.

I've been blessed with good friends.
I mean, how many friends would have asked you, 'have you prayed?'
and I really, really appreciate those who have reminded me, countless times.
I know I'm not really that religious. at the very least, I'm trying to keep the basics, on track.
people said 'solat tu tiang agama' for good reasons.
*heck, ter-usrah. HAHA

besides, if I'm thinking of doing something that I know is wrong, I'll automatically think of my parents.
cliche, but it works.
like, 'hey, what would they feel if they know about it'
maybe it's because I've experienced first-hand on what the effects could be on my parents.
I've seen my mom being brokenhearted and that was the worst moment of my life. seeing the woman that carried you for 9 months, gave birth, and then raised you with love and patience, being brokenhearted was just, hard. really hard. heck, I can't even see a drop of tear on her face. I would be crushed. a little of me would die inside.

I keep god in mind. again, its cliche but hey, it works for me. would you dare to do something that will only last for a few moments but face the indescribable in the after-world? no thanks. I won't lose anything if I don't experience the 'fun'.

again, I don't know why I have these thoughts. but these thoughts have kept me behave and always will, inshaaAllah.

maybe I'm blessed.
alhamdulillah for everything :)

*seyes ade unsur2 usrah. HAHA