mati akal. mati kutu. mati segala mati. 

tuan punya badan jer tak mati lagi.

Peladang anggur yang berjaya

Oh wow. It has been ages since the last time I wrote a post. Maybe because now I have tumblr to channeled all my emo posts. lol

But suddenly I have the urge to write something here. Besides, I don't have anything else to do. Too much time in my hand =.="

I know I should trust in rezeki given by Allah but I can't help feeling so helpless and disappointed for not getting even one phone call from companies that I've applied to. Not even one interview appointment. It's killing me, little by little inside to see one by one of my friends have secured their jobs. Very good ones with major companies. I am aware I should not have that feeling. I am happy for them but at the same time, I wonder when will it be my turn? I think I have submit my resume to almost all the companies that hire chemical engineering. Each one that I could find on the internet. All over Malaysia. 

I don't know what to do anymore. My mom thought I'm enjoying every second of doing nothing at home. I'm not. I'm dying inside. I would love to make money and give some to her. I would love to be the daughter that would give money to her parents instead of asking for it. I want to be the one helping them, not burdening them. After earning my degree, there is nothing else I would really want to do right now. 

I'm trying hard not to be useless but I'm failing even in doing that.

I am just so heartbroken.
Without I even realized it, the feeling diminish each day. 
Until finally, it's already gone.

I don't care anymore.

had a conversation with a friend about our age. 
I'm turning 22 this year.
kalau sihat tubuh badan, xde accident or anything, iA confirm hidup sampai umur 50 tahun. 
dah almost halfway through dah O.O
alhamdulillah, dah lama jugak hidup 21 tahun lebih nih. 

I keep having these questions in my head lately:

1. what have I done so far?
2. if I die today, do I have any regrets?
3. have I done everything I've always wanted to do?
4. yang paling penting: cukup x bekalan?
5. sempat kawin ke idok ntah aku ni? HAHA

T.T

tetiba nak update.

imagine this:
you bumped into me. sekali imbas, mestilah org tgk ape aku pakai kan.
I'm wearing t-shirt vandy selekeh dpt free, jeans, kasut onitsuka, tudung pasar lambak, michael kors bag, dlm tangan ade handphone sony erricsson slide tu.
what would you think?

but personally, I don't really care what people think about my appearance. HAHA
kalau tak, takde lah aku selamba selekeh hari2, ke mana sahaja aku pergi. 
ye idok?

kadang2 terpikir, kenape laaa aku beli bnde2 mahal nih? haih.
and the answer is of course: nafsu. HAHA =.="
tapi bile pikir balik, kat sini jer la merasa nak pakai bnde2 mahal nih. 
kalau kt mesia, mmg tak merasa la aku nk pakai coach kee, hape keee
kat sini mahal jugak, tp x rasa sangat. I mean, keluarkan RM1000 or $300, sama jer nilai. tp 300 tu selamba jer lg keluarkn sbb nilai dia lg kecik. haha

kadang2 tu teringin jugak nak bergaya.
pakai lawa2 sket, make up sket. peplum lah, ape lah style baju skrang tuh.
pastu pikir, kalau nk pakai lawa2 camtu, kene la kurus dulu.
dgn badan aku skrang, nampak cam sarung cempedak jer nanti.
too much effort. so I gave up without even trying. HAHA

balik mesia kang I'll give it another shot. kat umah ade treadmill dah. xde alasan dh x bersenam. *berangan

on a side note, aku still lg rasa cool sbb pernah rasa almost nak pass out semalam. HAHA
seyes cool weehh. split second jer bdn rasa panas, mata jd kabur and gelap, dgr buzzing and x dgr sngt bunyi sekeliling. pastu split second pulok, semua tu hilang, aku siap boleh lari. amazing weh human body ni sebenarnye.

and paling cool dpt merasa org ckp "stay with me" dgn dramaticnye kat aku macam kt dlm tv. lolol