mati akal. mati kutu. mati segala mati. 

tuan punya badan jer tak mati lagi.

Peladang anggur yang berjaya

Oh wow. It has been ages since the last time I wrote a post. Maybe because now I have tumblr to channeled all my emo posts. lol

But suddenly I have the urge to write something here. Besides, I don't have anything else to do. Too much time in my hand =.="

I know I should trust in rezeki given by Allah but I can't help feeling so helpless and disappointed for not getting even one phone call from companies that I've applied to. Not even one interview appointment. It's killing me, little by little inside to see one by one of my friends have secured their jobs. Very good ones with major companies. I am aware I should not have that feeling. I am happy for them but at the same time, I wonder when will it be my turn? I think I have submit my resume to almost all the companies that hire chemical engineering. Each one that I could find on the internet. All over Malaysia. 

I don't know what to do anymore. My mom thought I'm enjoying every second of doing nothing at home. I'm not. I'm dying inside. I would love to make money and give some to her. I would love to be the daughter that would give money to her parents instead of asking for it. I want to be the one helping them, not burdening them. After earning my degree, there is nothing else I would really want to do right now. 

I'm trying hard not to be useless but I'm failing even in doing that.

I am just so heartbroken.
Without I even realized it, the feeling diminish each day. 
Until finally, it's already gone.

I don't care anymore.

had a conversation with a friend about our age. 
I'm turning 22 this year.
kalau sihat tubuh badan, xde accident or anything, iA confirm hidup sampai umur 50 tahun. 
dah almost halfway through dah O.O
alhamdulillah, dah lama jugak hidup 21 tahun lebih nih. 

I keep having these questions in my head lately:

1. what have I done so far?
2. if I die today, do I have any regrets?
3. have I done everything I've always wanted to do?
4. yang paling penting: cukup x bekalan?
5. sempat kawin ke idok ntah aku ni? HAHA

T.T

tetiba nak update.

imagine this:
you bumped into me. sekali imbas, mestilah org tgk ape aku pakai kan.
I'm wearing t-shirt vandy selekeh dpt free, jeans, kasut onitsuka, tudung pasar lambak, michael kors bag, dlm tangan ade handphone sony erricsson slide tu.
what would you think?

but personally, I don't really care what people think about my appearance. HAHA
kalau tak, takde lah aku selamba selekeh hari2, ke mana sahaja aku pergi. 
ye idok?

kadang2 terpikir, kenape laaa aku beli bnde2 mahal nih? haih.
and the answer is of course: nafsu. HAHA =.="
tapi bile pikir balik, kat sini jer la merasa nak pakai bnde2 mahal nih. 
kalau kt mesia, mmg tak merasa la aku nk pakai coach kee, hape keee
kat sini mahal jugak, tp x rasa sangat. I mean, keluarkan RM1000 or $300, sama jer nilai. tp 300 tu selamba jer lg keluarkn sbb nilai dia lg kecik. haha

kadang2 tu teringin jugak nak bergaya.
pakai lawa2 sket, make up sket. peplum lah, ape lah style baju skrang tuh.
pastu pikir, kalau nk pakai lawa2 camtu, kene la kurus dulu.
dgn badan aku skrang, nampak cam sarung cempedak jer nanti.
too much effort. so I gave up without even trying. HAHA

balik mesia kang I'll give it another shot. kat umah ade treadmill dah. xde alasan dh x bersenam. *berangan

on a side note, aku still lg rasa cool sbb pernah rasa almost nak pass out semalam. HAHA
seyes cool weehh. split second jer bdn rasa panas, mata jd kabur and gelap, dgr buzzing and x dgr sngt bunyi sekeliling. pastu split second pulok, semua tu hilang, aku siap boleh lari. amazing weh human body ni sebenarnye.

and paling cool dpt merasa org ckp "stay with me" dgn dramaticnye kat aku macam kt dlm tv. lolol

"I don't even care if you're found dead on the side of the road. I just can't stand it if the people that cares about you, be sad, cry and mourn for you. They don't deserve it."

dah tiba masa untuk emo!
jyeeaahhh
or maybe, xde la emo sangat. just rasa nk membebel sorg2

these thoughts that I have lately, have been on my mind since earlier this year.
I've no idea why.

I've been thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now.
I'm really thankful to be raised by my parents.
I know everything that I need to know, enough so I can make the right judgement. 

how lucky I am to be growing up in an environment that won't influence me in doing any bad stuff like smoking.
heck, I even lived in Felda where people have stereotyped that budak Felda can be pretty 'bad'. 
I went to ordinary-everyday-school.
Both elementary and high school.
and I turned up to be pretty well.

I've been blessed with good friends.
I mean, how many friends would have asked you, 'have you prayed?'
and I really, really appreciate those who have reminded me, countless times.
I know I'm not really that religious. at the very least, I'm trying to keep the basics, on track.
people said 'solat tu tiang agama' for good reasons.
*heck, ter-usrah. HAHA

besides, if I'm thinking of doing something that I know is wrong, I'll automatically think of my parents.
cliche, but it works.
like, 'hey, what would they feel if they know about it'
maybe it's because I've experienced first-hand on what the effects could be on my parents.
I've seen my mom being brokenhearted and that was the worst moment of my life. seeing the woman that carried you for 9 months, gave birth, and then raised you with love and patience, being brokenhearted was just, hard. really hard. heck, I can't even see a drop of tear on her face. I would be crushed. a little of me would die inside.

I keep god in mind. again, its cliche but hey, it works for me. would you dare to do something that will only last for a few moments but face the indescribable in the after-world? no thanks. I won't lose anything if I don't experience the 'fun'.

again, I don't know why I have these thoughts. but these thoughts have kept me behave and always will, inshaaAllah.

maybe I'm blessed.
alhamdulillah for everything :)

*seyes ade unsur2 usrah. HAHA

random thought of the day

sebelum balik, nak pegi themepark for one last time.
six flag kat Atlanta tu pun jadilah.
last nk quench my thirst for adrenaline rush.
nak tunggu six flag siap kat johor bertahun jugak la kut.
lol

kali ni nak beli flash pass tuh. x kira. xdela beratur lama sangat nak naik ride.
and nak naik byk kali. like, really really byk kali.
huehuehue

dah siap yang kat johor tu, beli season pass. memang tiap kali cuti aaa aku pegi. confirm.

treasure chest

duk giggle sorang2 ari nih.
wahihihihihihi :3
ade new addition to my 'treasure chest'
*baru came up dgn gelaran 'treasure chest' for the stuff yg aku beli :3
kumpul asset weh. lol

ni batch pertama. tercapai jugak hasrat nak beli kate spade. alhamdulillah :3
aku rasa kat mesia x pernah dgr pung nama brand nih. aku dtg sini baru dgr. coach pung aku x pernah dgr. lol. suke dia punye design yg simple :3
ni nafsu ni. I know. lol. tapi bile lg kan nak beli bnde camni. skrang jer aaa x rasa bersalah sangat nak membazir byk sket. lols
as aku bkn jenis yg bergaya, pki selebet jer tshirt ngan jeans and tudung beli kat pasar lambak, people might think they're fake and I don't care.
saye sangat puas hati. huehuehue *hati berbunga2. lol

so, my mom decided to wake me up early in the morning 2 days ago with an sms asking if my dad wants to come over, is it still possible?

holy sheeettt.

about 2 months ago, I told my mom not to come here as I thought it's not worth it, even though my dad has been talking about it since I was a junior.
where I went wrong was I didn't ask my dad how he feels about it.
I only talked to my mum and she was like, 'if you said so then we'll cancel the plan.'
then recently, I realized something.
I'm their last child. I don't know if I want to further continue my study.
my brother is getting married so I doubt he'll further his study.
this is their last chance to see one of their child graduates.
so, I told my mom about what I just realized and she said they are fine with it. 

until two days ago. 

I don't remember the last time I got scolded.
high school?
no. 
middle school?
maybe. 

he wasn't really scolding but it was pretty terrifying. 
at the same time, I think it was a good wake up call. we can't play around anymore. 
that's what my brain said. 




my heart?
*weeps quietly.

it's almost that time in our undergraduate career: graduation. 
for those that are having their family coming here, are busy planning for trips and stuff. 
I feel sad thinking about my parents won't be here for my graduation.
the irony is, I'm the one that prevent them from coming. 

I know my dad would really love it to be here. 
but it's just not worth it. 
if I'm graduating with the highest honor, I'm more than happy to have them here. 
what Doc V said when I was a freshman really got me. 
I don't really remember his exact words but I think he said something like this, "won't you feel ashamed if your parents are here on your graduation day and when your name is announced, that's it. no latin honor. your parents will be embarrassed."

yeah. it's just not worth it to travel across the world, to watch me receiving that damn scroll. 
I've got nothing for them to be proud of. 
I have a little bit of regret, for not trying harder. 
but throughout four years of my studies, I can really see what I'm capable of.
this is my limit. 

I'm so sorry, abah. 
I've disappoint you.

dalam minggu yang sama, both elaun and gaji masuk.
muahaha.

selama ni x tau duit habis ke mana. asyik makan luar jer.

so, I've decided tiap kali gaji masuk, spend jer kat ape2 yg aku nak. 

nampak la jugak duit tu hilang ke mana kan. xde la sket2, sekali belanja $20 pastu tetiba habis =.="

nak beli bende yang mahal terus cam, x berani. start ngan bende kecik dulu like wallet :3

dunno if I'll ever use it or not but hey, on the bright side, saye dah ade wallet pompuan! *clapping sound effect
at least bley la guna bile pegi majlis kawin budak2 ni. ye dak? HAHA
dah la warna pelik kan.
aku asyik pakai kaler hitam/kelabu jer. why not biru pulak kaaannn.


p.s: so, my blog now jd tempat cite pasal shopping.
and occasionally, bile emo jugak. HAHA

random post (edited)

nak vent something out secara random. *tetiba jer kan, dh la lama x update

ari tu borak2 ngan mak, mak suruh kumpul handbag. 
at first, I was like "meh. org bukan pakai pung nanti"
but then, pikir2 balik, bile lagi nk beli beg mahal kan. 
aku rasa kalau dapat keje nanti pung, xdenye aku nak spend sampai RM1000 beli beg. makan sebulan kenyang la weeyy. lol
so, bermula lah sesi mencari beberapa jenis beg/handbag

aku mmg dah lama teringin nak beli kate spade. dah bertahun jugak. lol
sbb design dia cam, kemas. 
dalam pada mencuci mata kat website beliau, I stumbled upon 2 beg yang I fell in love with. 

1. Allen Street Raquelle

2. Waverly Street Drew

yang ni ade kaler hitam jugak. cam pelik jer kan nak pakai kaler mint.

dua2 harga sama so, argument 'yg mana satu lg murah' is not applicable. lol

*continued

pastu duk berangan2 lagi.
since dah ramai yang pakai longchamp kan, terasa peer pressure kene beli jugak. kalau xnak pakai nanti pass la kat mak. lol

3. Longchamp 'Le Pliage' Large Tote
tak decide lg kaler ape. tgh consider between deep red and sunshine.

aku bukan jenis yang senang tertarik kat design yang tulis initial brand tu byk2 like coach, penuh huruf C kat beg tuh.
but, I kinda like Michael Kors punye design.

4. Michael Kors Jet Set Logo Medium Work Tote

setakat ni tu jer kut.
kalau berjaya beli satu pun jadi laaaaa. lol